Moist Towelette; You Annoy Me

How dumb do mega-corporations think we are?!?

We had an amazing seafood meal the other day…one of those glorious dinners where a massive bucket of lobster,  crab, and shrimp was placed in front of us. After about and hour of messy feasting, our table was left with nothing but a bowl filled with shells and a few random crab limbs scattered on the table. We were all covered from the crab-carnage; the smell of the ocean infused our clothes and bits of seafood were stuck to our hands and underneath our finger nails. Then, along with the bill, our waitress left our table with a pile of moist towelettes.

There are several things wrong with your typical moist towelette

1. They are ridiculously tiny. A single one  cannot possibly be effective on its own

2. They can raise etiquette issues.  Is it OK to ‘wipe yourself’ with a towelette at the table but, not OK to pick food from between your teeth with a restaurant-provided-toothpick?

3. The word ‘towelette’ is freaking impossible to spell and you lose all masculinity saying the word out-loud.

I like how there is a nice little note on the back of the packaging …but once they start providing dumb-ass directions, like ‘tear open packet,’ I quickly lose whatever good-will was earned from this damn thing.

But none of these really pissed me off as much as when I flipped the tiny packet over and saw the instructions…Do we really need to have instructions on how to use the thing? Are people really opening this up and eating it? Or using it to blow their nose? Are there people who don’t understand that you need to open and then REMOVE the towelette from the packaging? Seriously, is there actually someone out there trying to use the moist towelette while it is still enclosed in the packet?

And then,  the only instruction on how to use the damn thing is to ‘use.’ The stupid instructions literary state, ‘Tear open packet and use.’ Wow…that is amazingly UNHELPFUL for the one person in the world who does not know what these things are designed for and why seafood restaurants replace mints with these things when they hand you the bill.  If the manufacture of moist towelettes is going to go through all the trouble to provide us with instructions, at least they should do a decent job of providing informative direction. The instructions could be so much more…possible even useful to a person familiar with this little, soggy, towels.  Something like this maybe…

Fed Up certified moist towelette instructions:

‘Tear open packaging along edge (see dotted line for guidance). Remove pre-soaked tissue and discard packaging. Unfold  pre-soaked tissue and gently wipe your hands in a circular motion to remove any debris from the meal you just consumed. Make sure to clean each finger individually, wiping from the knuckle outwards towards the fingernail. If one moist towelette is not sufficient enough to throughly clean one’s hands, then open an additional packet and follow previous introductions. Repeat until your hands have been sanitized and are odor-free. Dispose of packaging and soiled moist towelette responsibly. Recycle if possible”

Or they could always just remove the instructions and provide a fortune…half the reason I go to Chinese restaurants is to have my future predicted by those little cookies at the end of the meal…



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Categories: Rants

Author:Mr. Fed Up

A guy looking for good grub. and YES....I have a website...and I am not going to bore you with one of those personal journal type of blogs. I promise. Check it out;


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15 Comments on “Moist Towelette; You Annoy Me”

  1. October 1, 2012 at 5:43 pm #

    This cracked me up: “Are people really opening this up and eating it?”

    Fortune towelettes… I think you’re on to something!

    • October 2, 2012 at 11:11 am #

      One day…one day…’Fortune towelettes’ will be the norm! haha. Thanks for reading.

  2. October 1, 2012 at 5:58 pm #

    Concur wholeheartedly – some of the information/instructions provided on packaging is variously incomplete, inane and downright confusing. You wonder what exactly was going thru the copywriter’s head when they cobbled it together. The classic ‘contains nuts’ on a packet of cashews; ‘contents MAY be hot’ on a takeaway coffee cup; ‘do not eat’ on the little sachet of desiccating crystals that invariably reside in the packaging of brand-new homeware and electrical goods (who in their right mind would imagine that a new sofa would come packaged with a little ‘bonus’ packet of candy?). Homeware and tech goods from say, Taiwan and Korea often provide unintentional amusement, if only because some of the translated instructions are laughably bad. My personal favourite, though, was a Bakewell Tart on display – complete with manufacurer’s packaging, classy! – in my local takeaway, sporting the legend ‘may contain nuts’. MAY contain nuts – it’s a fucking Bakewell Tart!! (And in case that doesn’t translate well to the USA, a Bakewell is a traditional UK confection whose MAIN ingredient is almonds; so if it DIDN’T contain nuts it’s just be an empty pastry shell 😦 Mind you, my boss was telling me yesterday that he’s seen a jar of ‘egg and oil-free Mayonnaise’ in ASDA (Walmart to you guys) the other day. So what the hell IS in it? Baffling.

    Anyway, rant over 🙂 Cheers, Mr Fed Up.

    • elangomatt
      October 2, 2012 at 8:28 am #

      Even worse than a Bakewell Tart (which being from the other side of the pond I had no idea what it is) saying “may contain nuts” is that I am pretty sure that USA companies are legally obligated to put warnings on anything that contains nuts, milk, shellfish, etc. That’s all well and good for someone that doesn’t know there is milk protein in a certain brand of sausage (there was actually a recent recall for this exact reason, they forgot to label the allergen).The problem with that is you go and buy a can of peanuts and there has to be a warning label saying “may contain nuts” and probably “may be processed on equipment that processes tree nuts”. It is a can of freaking peanuts! I hope it has peanuts, otherwise I would just be buying a can of salt!

    • October 2, 2012 at 11:17 am #

      HAHA. I love those stupid warnings/directions. The Bakewell Tart waring is crazy! Haha. And I am not going to think too hard about what was in the egg and oil free mayonnaise. It probably is something scary…
      The worst directions I saw were shown to me in a marketing class YEARS ago. There was a hammer with a little label that stated something to the extent that one should be careful and not hit their hand with the hammer.
      It must all be because of the crazy abuse of the legal system and how people jump at any opportunity to sue.

  3. October 2, 2012 at 8:41 am #

    Whenever I get a new device that has one of those instruction pamphlets, I like reading the warnings list. Not so much because I want to be warned, but because I want to be amused. It is pretty much the same thing as this, common sense gets you a long way to using most devices as well as moist towelettes. The reason why I get amused though is that if you think about it, the company probably got a complaint at some point that there were no instructions to use the towelette. Just like someone probably tried to sue a toaster manufacturer after they got burned by putting their hand in the toaster so they toaster has to do CYA and put “warning: do not put hands in toaster as it is hot”. Really? Thanks for the warning, I don’t know if I could have figured that out! I am sure that there are entire websites devoted to these stupid warnings, I’m just too lazy to find one right now.

    Oh and just to be nit-picky, your instructions would never yield odor-free hands at all because some brilliant person at the manufacturer thought it would be nice to put “pleasantly scented cleansing lotion” in these towelettes because I really want my hands smelling funny after a nice messy BBQ sandwich.

    • October 2, 2012 at 11:22 am #

      Good catch and very true Elangomatt,
      I guess someone insisted that the beautiful smell of a tasty BBQ sandwich had to be replaced with the stench of the same junk used to clean a toilet bowl. It probably would be better if they just has a neutral smell…same goes for when I do my laundry. I hate those laundry detergents that make my clothes smell as if I am wearing perfume or if just wiped pine tree sap under my arms pits.

      • October 2, 2012 at 12:31 pm #

        Hey new product idea. Someone should make a towelette that gets rid of the stickyness and mess, but leaves your hands smelling like BBQ. It couldn’t be marketed to all of the BBQ joints that currently pass out the funny flowery toilet bowl smell wet naps (I’m lookin at you Famous Daves!). Oh wait, you’d have to make a bunch of different “flavors” though since there are so many different kinds of BBQ and nobody agrees which is the best. Never mind, it is too much of a PITA to make like 15 different scents.

      • October 3, 2012 at 3:19 pm #

        Haha…Why don’t we apply that same logic to candles?!? Seriously, I would love some BBQ smelling candles (specifically Rudy’s BBQ, a small chain based out of San Antonio, TX). Or how about some air freshener that smells like garlic bread?

  4. October 2, 2012 at 11:07 am #

    Don’t you think that is too much instruction? You have read Douglas Adams right? And there is a character in one of the books who realizes the world had become to stupid when he gets a box of toothpicks and they started to put intructions on how to use them on the box.

    • October 2, 2012 at 11:25 am #

      Well…my instructions may have been a LITTLE over-the-top…just a little though… I think a good ‘Ikea’ picture-based set of instructions would be the best option here.

      And Douglas Adams…good reading.

      The way this world is going, I can easily see tiny instructions printed on toothpicks warning you to NOT eat them.

  5. Pam
    October 18, 2012 at 2:56 pm #

    I just bought a new blow dryer that has a tag that says “do not use while sleeping”

    • October 18, 2012 at 4:36 pm #

      Haha. You know the only reason they have that warning is beacause some fool actually attempted that.


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