Fed Up’s Manly Kitchen Essentials

Here at Fed Up HQ we have figured out that there are several essential things every tough-guy kitchen needs. Make sure your kitchen arsenal has these, and you will be armed for everything. This includes everything from saving yourself the disgrace of making a bad meal, to allowing you to make good grub faster so you can stuff your face sooner.

1.Plenty of Seasoning: Lets face it, we are all going to ruin food at least once, and for those times, a good batch of seasoning can come to the rescue. Cover up that burnt taste with some quality BBQ flavors, or if those steamed vegetables became a little too water-logged, then a good lemon pepper or Cajun spice can save you from blandness. The Fed Up kitchen relies heavily on a home-made batch of “swamp-dust,” a seasoning made with plenty of garlic, paprika, black pepper and other goodness. The shaker is always loaded and at the ready.

This is only one of the two cupboards filled with spices and seasonings in the Fed Up house...Ok, we may have gone a little overboard. But all the seasonings insures we can always save a meal from being bland; or at least we can cover up that burnt aftertaste.

2.Toaster-Oven: 20,000 plus Subway restaurants can’t be wrong. And if you need even a better reason, click here.

3.Hot Sauce: Quickly add a blast of flavor. But more importantly, every guy needs to show off that he can eat the hottest, spiciest foods. There is always the underlying competition among guys who can “take the heat,” so it is important that your kitchen be armed to dish out some fire and make sure everyone knows who is king. Oh, and you can always add an extra helping of the Habanero sauce to that unwanted-guest’s dish. It is always nice to have people leave your kitchen in tears (either from joy or from pain).

4.Big Ass Chef Knife: Because size does matter. Try chopping up a watermelon, slicing turkey or splitting open a squash with a wimpy paring knife…I would actually recommend you pick up a machete if you ever see one in Williams-Sonoma.

5.Sous-Chef or a Dog: There are MANY reasons to have a good kitchen sidekick. Key reasons include their ability of saving you the trouble of having to clean up your mess. Plus they can give sound recommendations. Most importantly, if you are embarrassed with the way anything turns out, you can just blame it on the sous-chef.

A sous-chef will clean up after your mess. And you can always blame any farts on them.

6.Indoor Stove-Top Smoker: Not everyone has the luxury to cook outside during hectic weekdays. An indoor smoker is a convenient, fast and ridiculously easy way to make decent food taste amazing. Plus the beautiful smell of hickory/mesquite/or any hard wood eclipses all those stupid scented candles and air fresheners your spouse/significant other fills your home with (just be prepared your home WILL SMELL like a BBQ pit for at least a few weeks-not necessarily a bad thing though)

7.Fire Extinguisher: Because you never know. You are a crazy cook, coming up crazy dishes. I am sure one day you are going to want to use a propane torch to sear some fish (like Iron Chefs do) or toast some marshmallows(like you know you want to). So it is best to be prepared. And now you can feel like a responsible adult and look down disapprovingly at your friends who DON’T have a fire extinguisher.

8.Toaster-Oven: Incase you did not realize how freaking critical this is REREAD THIS.

9.Tupperware/Reusable Storage Containers:  Men make manly batches of food, no matter how many people will be getting served. No serious cook makes just a small portion that will get eaten that night. And although we may try, often it is simply impossible to eat all the food. Here is where storage containers come in. They don’t need to be fancy or even have matching lids because they WILL get lost.

10.Beans: They are cheap and tasty. Dried or fresh, beans are also very versatile and can really bulk up a meal if you are too stingy to spend money on expensive meats, fish and other protein sources. And you will always be prepared for that vegan friend of yours. Beans NEVER go bad either, so you can buy em and forget about em, so they are always ready when you get hungry and find your fridge empty.

11.Bathroom Nearby: Incase you rely too heavily on the above kitchen essential.

12.Cactus: Because if you must have plants in the kitchen to keep the Misses happy, you mine as well have something that is tough enough to scar you if you mess with it. As a bonus, they can survive months of neglect.

13.Industrial Style Sink: You know that YOU are going to get stuck cleaning up your all the junk at the end of the evening. So you mine as well make clean-up as fast and enjoyable as possible. A restaurant style “pre-rinse” high-powered faucet attached to your sink, makes doing dishes cool. If you can afford it, get it.

A "heavy-duty" kitchen faucet makes the chore of doing the dishes a little more badass. And spiky cactuses on the window sill can fend for themselves.

14.Skillet (must be cast iron): A stupidly heavy cast iron skillet is an investment. You NEVER get rid of it, and you actually pass it down to your favorite kid (you can give the others your old Tupperware). Why cast iron? It never needs cleaning…NO wait it is even better, you are NOT supposed to clean it. So that’s cool. But wait, there is more, a good skillet gets “seasoned” with each meal you cook in it. This means that after some use, food cooked in your trusty skillet will taste amazing from having bits of old fajita chicken mixed in with Asian flavors from previous stir-frys, and various other random bits from old dinners you cooked…believe it or not, but this does make taste good. Oh, and you can always use this heavy pice of hardware as a weapon.

14.Stainless Steel EVERYTHING: While you may be an amateur cook, your kitchen should look professional. This not only gives you “street-cred” when your dinner guests come over, but it makes you feel badass when cooking in a metal clad environment. (And NO chrome and mirrored finishes do not count…sorry).

Am I forgetting something?

Get these kickass kitchen essentials and your kitchen will be cooler and your food tastier.